Now, nearly two decades later, I know what those feelings mean, and there is a word for it: spanko. Even though I am a grown woman, the idea of someone finding out this private piece of information makes me blush from my cheeks down to my toes. I don't know why there is such shame surrounding this part of my life, but I've found others in the DD community express the same feelings. Everyone is afraid to be "outed".
When I look back on those same scenes from I Love Lucy I realize that Ricky's spankings were nothing to be afraid of or cry about. Trust me. Now that I practice DD myself, I realize that real spankings are nothing that can be set to a laugh track--unless you're trying to drown out the crying, of course.
My husband and I practiced DD lightly for a few years before really diving in. It has its challenges--I struggle with submission at times, and my husband, like most, struggles with consistency. Still, I wouldn't want to go back. I like structure, I crave it. I like limits and consequences even if I might say otherwise during said consequence. Part of me, I think, will always feel like an oddball, like there is something wrong with me, just like I did when I was that little girl watching Lucy get spanked. However, this is my life, and really I wouldn't change it, even if I could. I don't want to go back I want to keep getting better as a couple, and a person, and moving forward.