Lately I have been out of sorts. I was feeling this way since last week, feeling like life is getting harder with every moment. I was trying to fend off such feelings, but it's hard. I am working so hard to achieve something that seems to escape me at every turn. There is nothing I can do to change this, but I try anyway, and my continued failure just serves to depress me.
Like I said, I was fighting off such feelings and then my grandmother died. I loved her so much. I can't really put it into words. She always felt like a safe haven for me, from the judgmental, often harsh place I lived. I loved being with her. There wasn't much to do--no computer, or video games, or anything like that. We survived, and found ways to have fun. She was the one person who would let me read and not yell at me to "stop being lazy and go outside!" I still had to wake up at 7:30 though, no matter how late I'd been up.
I could talk to her. At one point in my life I couldn't have children. I called her and talked about wanting to have babies, and being unable to, and while she, a mother of six, couldn't understand, she just listened and made me feel better.
I will miss her more than words can say. This barely touches the surface.
That same day my little girl had a 104 fever that wouldn't break no matter how much Tylenol or Motrin we supplied her with. She was admitted to the ER, where I waited for over five hours while the nurses took blood again and again. It hurt so badly to see my baby (OK, she is nearly three, but she still looks like a baby to me!) that way and be so helpless. I honestly thought she was going to die. She didn't, thank God, and is on antibiotics for a UTI. However, it got very scary.
And now...now I just feel numb. I feel like I was on emotion overload and will never recover. I feel like telling someone, but by the time I pick up the phone the urge has passed. I have a story that was supposed to come out on Saturday but needs last minute editing. I know I need to do it--I love writing, writing is the thing I've always wanted to do. Yet, I can't seem to force myself to focus. My best friend's bridal party is on Sunday, and again, I just can't find the energy to care. I just want everyone to leave me alone.
There have been a few instances where I have needed DD, and earned it, but Jim, thinking he is being "understanding" hasn't broached the subject. I told him, point blank, that he wasn't helping me, and still he does nothing. I don't think he knows what to do with me. I wish I had all the answers, I just know that right now I feel like he doesn't care.
Like I said, I was fighting off such feelings and then my grandmother died. I loved her so much. I can't really put it into words. She always felt like a safe haven for me, from the judgmental, often harsh place I lived. I loved being with her. There wasn't much to do--no computer, or video games, or anything like that. We survived, and found ways to have fun. She was the one person who would let me read and not yell at me to "stop being lazy and go outside!" I still had to wake up at 7:30 though, no matter how late I'd been up.
I could talk to her. At one point in my life I couldn't have children. I called her and talked about wanting to have babies, and being unable to, and while she, a mother of six, couldn't understand, she just listened and made me feel better.
I will miss her more than words can say. This barely touches the surface.
That same day my little girl had a 104 fever that wouldn't break no matter how much Tylenol or Motrin we supplied her with. She was admitted to the ER, where I waited for over five hours while the nurses took blood again and again. It hurt so badly to see my baby (OK, she is nearly three, but she still looks like a baby to me!) that way and be so helpless. I honestly thought she was going to die. She didn't, thank God, and is on antibiotics for a UTI. However, it got very scary.
And now...now I just feel numb. I feel like I was on emotion overload and will never recover. I feel like telling someone, but by the time I pick up the phone the urge has passed. I have a story that was supposed to come out on Saturday but needs last minute editing. I know I need to do it--I love writing, writing is the thing I've always wanted to do. Yet, I can't seem to force myself to focus. My best friend's bridal party is on Sunday, and again, I just can't find the energy to care. I just want everyone to leave me alone.
There have been a few instances where I have needed DD, and earned it, but Jim, thinking he is being "understanding" hasn't broached the subject. I told him, point blank, that he wasn't helping me, and still he does nothing. I don't think he knows what to do with me. I wish I had all the answers, I just know that right now I feel like he doesn't care.
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