When Jim and I first started DD, about four years ago it kept
falling apart. A big reason is that doing DD is hard for Jim. Like most men, he
was raised to never hit a woman. Plus, while he gets the concept of kinky I
think he feels that hitting for arousal is just out of this world weird. Playful
spankings are fine, but punishment? Not so much.
Here’s the thing, though. I don’t find DD at all kinky. While I
am a self-proclaimed SPANKO (yes, all caps, cuz I know it and I am not hiding it
anymore!! In blogland, that is J ) punishment spankings are not at all sexy. Well, except in
books. I know this is ground I have covered before, but I wanted to go over it
one more time.
What has helped us stick with DD longer this time—we did it for
about five months consistently before experiencing a slight hiccup and we seem
back on the path now—has been finding the domestic discipline community. I am so
thankful for that, because having people to talk to has helped me tremendously.
It’s funny how open you can be with a person you can’t see, that you don’t
really know. I joined “Learning Domestic Discipline” which is a wonderful site
for DDers, created by husband and wife, Chelsea and Clint.
I met many wonderful people there, and befriended quite a few. I was able to discuss the issues in my marriage and how I hoped DD would help me. It was great having a group of women to talk to. They helped me calm down before things got out of hand sometimes and I was able to share my feelings and learn that I wasn’t alone. From the beginning, I encouraged Jim to attend men’s nights and while he did get on for a few, he didn’t really take to them. He didn’t hold with talking about implements and punishments with others.
It frustrated me at the time. I felt he would do so much better, and be a better HOH if he shared with others. It is an issue that I let go months ago, but has just recently been reopened, but not in the way that I imagined. My best friend has been longing for a DD relationship for some time now, and it is something we have been able to discuss based on my own relationship. Her fiancé seemed pretty ambivalent about it, until he began talking to Jim about it.
Her fiancé, who we’ll call D went away on a guy’s day with Jim yesterday. Upon returning, Jim casually mentioned that D had brought up some behaviors he thought my friend needed guidance on. Jim was noncommittal about it until D brought up domestic discipline. Then, sensing that he was struggling with commitment to try it, Jim jumped in with both feet and shared his experiences.
Here is why I have a problem with it:
1. D did not know that we practiced DD because I asked my friend not to tell him. Now I feel like he looks at me differently. He knows what it means when Jim gives me those
meaningful looks, or say “we’ll talk about that later, Dinah.” It makes me
uncomfortable because it adds embarrassment to knowing I’m in trouble, because D
knows it, too.
2. Yes, I've talked to people about Jim, but in my defense, all of the people I have talked with have been “safe” because we don’t know them (with the exception of a lovely Australian couple that we have met) but this changes everything.
I freaked out. I literally blew up and hit the roof. I was quite upset that Jim would presume to talk to someone else about me in this way. However, when I got some time and distance on the issue I realized that this is what I had been wanting him to have all along. I'd just never considered how it felt to be talked about without knowing what was said. I have called him inconsistent, and flaky...I am sure him talking about my infamous temper or tendency to stress is only fair. And anyway, good came out of it in the end. Jim, who has struggled with doing the whole HOH through discussing it with D came to a conclusion for them both: We do DD for them, because they need it, we love them, and it helps our
relationship. It was gratifying to hear my husband have that epiphany on something he has struggled with for so long. Something that people say a lot in the DD world is “be careful what you wish for—you just might get it!” and the thing about it is that when your wish comes true it is never quite in the way you except it. Such is our life, I suppose.
If you made it through all that, thanks for reading!
P.S.—I don’t edit my blog posts. I save that for my books, so if you noticed a typo or this seems rough, that’s because I typed it exactly the way it sounded in my head! Be good, everyone (or not, if what you want is a stingy bottom!)